When we blame others, we give up the power to change and take on the victimized mentality. Lived with blaming for a long time made me feel inadequate, like a victim, bitter, angry, defeated, unsuccessful, and crushed. “My Story: Living Under the Shadows.”
Are you blaming your parents, upbringing, current situations, neighborhood, and demographic location for your failures, inadequacies, or mess-ups?
Living with blame
Blame toward parents is a type of blame that many struggles with; from my experience, this type of blame trickled down from generation to generation. Parents will neglect their children because they don’t feel obligated. To provide their children with the things they need to thrive, e.g., love, nurture, support, structure, education, and feeling safe, their parents didn’t provide these necessities for them.
This type of blame is hazardous because it creates chronic feelings and resistance to acceptance. It creates unresolved issues, bitterness, and resentment, turning into anger towards parents. This will also affect our relationship with a spouse or significant other and foster a victim mentality. We’ll never learn to take ownership of our actions until someone takes accountability to rid blame. This will continue to trickle down to each generation. I understand my parent’s situations and their point of view in my case. My relationship with God allowed me to foster forgiveness, which resulted in healing to move on—not dwelling in the past but looking toward my future.
Living with blame is like drinking poison every day and hoping someone else will die from it.
Tony Robbins
If we’re always quick to resort to blaming our failures, inadequacies, current or past situations, and for the way our lives didn’t turn out the way that we hoped they should. Instead of finding a solution, blaming will continue to play a massive part in our lives, especially when we feel that we should definitively be further in life than where we are.
Blaming our upbringing creates a victim mentality, a “poor me mentality.” It also creates a “making excuses mentality” for bad behavior.
Our neighborhood or demographic location does not make us who we are, and we should not be responsible for our actions or bad behavior. So we should not use that as a scapegoat when we display dysfunctional behavior.
Living with self-blame
Some of our earlier life choices can inflict self-blame, be paralyzed, and prevent us from moving forward. Self-blame can drag us down, drain our energy, and make us feel bad about ourselves.
We ascribe every mistake, misstep, setback, or failure in our heads. When we move from self-blame to seeing ourselves wholly, we develop self-compassion and self-acceptance by forgiving ourselves and extending grace. Examine our beliefs and know that we’re not perfect human beings and will not always get it right every time.
Blaming our age
We need to stop blaming our age as well for our inadequacies because “there are so many things that we’re not too old for.” “Sometimes, we don’t even bother to try.” We look at the situation and immediately conclude that “we can’t do it.” Our favorite words are “I’m too old”; there are many things that we’re not too old to do. E.g., Dorothy Steel, a “Black Panther”
actress, started acting at the age of 88 years old, then four years later, she landed her prominent role in “Black Panther. “Our age should not be any excuses for living out our dreams and doing the things that we love and enjoy.
Dorothy Steel
So many of us allowed our age to keep us in a stagnant mindset. We shouldn’t let our age get in the way of growing or learning new things.
You still have time to fulfill certain dreams and reach certain goals.
In some instances, as long as we’re capable, we should keep going, developing more of an open mindset to learning new things.
Blame blocks success
When we blame others, it prevents potential growth. It affects our perception of what occurred. Blame will get in the way of us being successful in our lives. Many successful people (Tyler Perry, Oprah Winfrey), etc. Their story begins with “when I started taking ownership, my life changed.”
Whatever has happened to you in your past has no power over this present moment because life is now.
Oprah Winfrey
They had reasons to blame their past, upbringing, childhood trauma, or bad relationships. But, they also knew that unwillingness to let go of blame would’ve continued to produce negative behavior and experiences. So they had to let go of blame and guilt to achieve what they set out to accomplish in their lives.
You can’t build your life around hurts from the past.
Tyler Perry
The effects of blame
“It’s easier to blame than to accept responsibilities; we love the easy way out.” We subconsciously employ blame as a defense mechanism to cope with complicated feelings, failures, or emotions. Blaming is an excellent way to hide in dark places. The blame is one-sided. It’s not about understanding what happened but making the other person pay.
It creates bias, and we accuse others of defending our positions, situations, circumstances, past hurt, and experiences. Blame is a form of punishment that we heap on ourselves. When we don’t take ownership, it will cause us to be stuck in limbo, which is toxic. It takes less energy to blame someone than to improve our behaviors. In the end, no one wins.
In conclusion, the blame will cause us to miss our purpose and true calling in life. The best remedy to move from guilt is to do some soul searching to take ownership and responsibility. It will make you a better person and enhance your growth process. “Blame blocks us from our full benefit in life.”
Steps on how to identify blame
1) You’re blaming your past for what you didn’t get.
2) You blame your past for what you don’t have.
3) Making excuses for your upbringing, culture, neighborhood, etc.
4) You have the mentality that others have a better opportunity than you do.
5) You never take ownership of anything that goes wrong in your life.
6) You always think everyone else is wrong, and you’re right.
7) You are still blaming others for your mistake.
8) Making a wrong decision and blaming someone else.
Ridding blame
1) Taking ownership, own your part, do some self-reflection.
2) Be empathetic, not judgmental.
3) Focus on understanding others’ points of view.
4) What can I do differently?
4) Don’t be blinded by the issue.
6) Focus on learning new things.
7) Recognizing when you’re blaming.
8) Don’t blame others for your mistake.
9) Set an example by confidently taking ownership of failures.
